I must be wired incorrectly or something. Even when I try to be normal, I am, by nature, so far off the mark I may as well move to Alaska.
Most people I know value their cuddles and their kisses, feel empty without another person, love their sex and kind of, in the background, want to get married and the whole shebang.
I don't know whether it's just me, or just me today, or just ... I don't know. But eh. There is a guy at uni who saw me for like 5 minutes during a tutorial, got my number because he's in my group for a presentation on heart failure we're presenting later this semester, and has rarely ceased texting me since. And I mean rarely. It's irritating me quite a lot.
Anyway. Point. I don't have one, but eh. He keeps talking about cuddling and fucked if I know what else he's on about. I had to tell him tonight that I have no perceivable interest in him 'helping me' with cuddling or learning to share my bed. He actually thought something is wrong with me.
Maybe that says a lot about me. Maybe it doesn't.
Maybe there's something wrong with him.
Maybe this is all just my frustration at a lousy day, or maybe it's the overwhelming inability to comprehend what is happening when I am 20 days away from my 19th birthday, having never thought I would survive 18. Genuinely.
I don't like the idea of marriage. I don't not believe in it, but I don't believe in it, either. I can't stand the idea of carrying a person around inside my person for 9 months like a giant, growing, beating, fingernailed tumor. Yeah, I'm not fond of babies, and yeah it does make me feel like a fail of a human being. So let it be. I don't like the idea of being permanently responsible for a person, or persons. I don't like having someone text me all day long with 'soooo.. what's doing now?', 'send us a pic.Send us a pic.Send Us A Pic.' ... s. Innuendos, unless amusing, are also not my thing. Oh, and may I add, the very first night he said goodnight with 'love you Fleur =P'. I was very close to trying to send his phone a virus.
I need space. I need a lobotomy.
Or just to get a grip.
He has problems. He's majorly clingy. I don't know what you want to hear right now but I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I don't want kids either or marriage. For the exact same reasons. But I don't feel wrong. Perhaps it's because you're not used to that kind of person? Tell him to grow some balls and be a man.
ReplyDeleteThat is pretty much exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I just feel like I'm not a very good human being, in terms of being an animal, whose basic functions are to survive and reproduce.
It's like homo sapien 101.