Insufficiencies and Admissions

I feel positively sick to my stomach. There's no real reason; I just feel as though I've been slapped in the face with my own insufficiencies and ineptitude. But there isn't really a cause of that feeling. It's not as though I have someone external constantly on at me, telling me I'm worthless and will never amount to anything. It's not as though there is someone else pointing out my every flaw. It's not actually as though anyone even really cares.

There's just me.

Me, and my thought process that I will never be enough, that is so far entrenched in my mind, it's irremovable. It's part of the normal regional flora now.

I just have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. And today's re-realisation, so to speak, that I'm never going to 'be good enough' for anything I'm even mildly interested in, has just got me in a world of confusion. It all boils down to that same 4. The 4 that won't particularly matter in the end; the 4 that has utterly broken me.

How can I possibly be a biochemist or a doctor or a neurosurgeon or a .. I don't know, even just a nurse, if I can't do better than a 4 in basic biology?

I can't believe how plagued I am by one result, even months later. It's absurd. The worst part is knowing how absurd I'm being and not being able to stop .. being absurd.

But in other news, one of my brothers has just been admitted to the psych ward in a hospital in Bunbury, over near Perth. Father of 2; drug-induced psychosis.

My god this family is brilliant...