Choices Maloices

Holy cheesecake.
My brain is everywhere. Due dates, information sessions, study groups, food...
I've been thinking about uni, and my course, again. I think I want to be doing a bachelor of applied science with a major in biochemistry, or something like that. I think maybe I want to be a doctor, like an MBBS doctor, maybe as well as a PhD doctor. But I don't know.
All I know is that I feel both pressured and compelled to finish my nursing degree first, and even though I really do love the idea of doing a BAppSc, if I did this nursing degree & got a good GPA, I could, provided I then passed the GAMSAT exam, get into the MBBS course without the BAppSc.
That's a lot of abbreviations.
But I don't know yet whether I'm going to fall in love with nursing or whether I want to be a medical doctor or a scientist of some description - or something else entirely.
All I know is that any which way, I need to keep my brain, and body, relatively healthy.
My mind is trying to cling on to the word 'healthy' like a life raft, but my thoughts are too turbulent for my own good. I mean, I'll be honest. I see a shitload of fat when I look in the mirror, and a lot of flaws beside. I can see the outline of what I used to be. How I used to be. And occasionally, what I'm heading back towards. And most days there is an excessively large part of my brain that tells me that I want to get back there. To x-amount of kilos. But then ... what's so good about bones, anyhow?
If I really think about it, given the choice, I don't actually think I'd change a lot about myself, physically. I may dislike myself most days, but I never want to lose sight of who I actually am. I think that that would be the worst thing I could ever do to myself.
I don't know. I'm not pretty and I don't have the perfect figure. I'm not exceptionally intelligent nor talented at anything in particular. I don't want to get married, I don't want children. I want to go to an island, a WARM island, and bask in the sun and drink cocktails. I want to explore Paris by bicycle. I want to eat gelato by the trevi fountain in Rome. I want to (medically) treat the children of the world... I want to go to a music festival in England and participate in La Tomatina in Spain. I want to shot vodka in a den bar in St Petersburg. I want a fat cat and a blue typewriter. I want to learn French, Russian, Serbian and German. Maybe Italian.
Today, I want to live.
And today I choose life.