It's not tangible, it's not foreseeable, it's not predictable, hell, it's not even comprehensible.
I am studying a course, and having thought about it, I am studying it mostly for the toys I get to play with at the end of the day. Provided all the nursing tasks haven't been appropriated by other health professionals.
Were it not for the crippling self-doubt, I know I would be studying something else. And I would have less of an idea of what to do with the resultant degree.
But I keep doing this; this first semester is forever tripping me up. I didn't make it through the whole first semester of the first course, I gave up half way through the first semester of the second course but completed the semester nonetheless, and I have now finished and passed the first semester of the third course, yet I feel oddly compelled to throw it away and start afresh with a new course.
I won't, but a large part of me wishes I would.
It's strange though, because in a way it feels as though my time is dwindling. Whilst everyone else around me appears to be blossoming, I feel as though I am wilting. It has never even seemed conceivable that I would make it to 25, much less past it, yet I am now about to turn 19, without a clue as to anything.
I dunno, maybe E- is right. Maybe I should just try more to live in the present. I never seem to be where I am. My head is perennially dwelling in the past or trying to somehow grasp the future and mold it in my hands to become something for which I can plan and make adjustments, comprehend and circumnavigate. It is, of course, a fool's objective.
Maybe A- was right in holding the mindfulness sessions every morning. At least they were 5 minutes in which I was truly present. Ah, the look on his face if he ever knew I even so much as thought that..
But I mean, it's all pretty pointless. I can't plan for the future outside of the next few seconds any more than anyone else, at least not with any degree of certainty that the events would progress exactly as I desired. So maybe I need to not give up, but to loosen up. Roll with what's happening now and worry about the rest later. Continue with my course and worry about the careers and the finances later.
On a more exciting note, I finally got a copy of mass effect today. I was playing it all afternoon; I'm hooked already. So awesome.
So yay video games, boo beating myself up over a 4, and hurrah for progress.
Even if it only lasts another 5 minutes.
I know what you mean about everyone else moving forward. It's like I'm mentally stuck in... treacle or something and I can't get ahead. I have no direction. You know how you can envision your future and most are like "in ten years I'm going to have 3 kids, 2 dogs, a great husband, live in this area etc. etc" I find it difficult to plan for tomorrow. I don't actually see myself reaching 30 years old. I don't see myself reaching the wrinkly stage. I was so dead set (excuse the pun) on killing myself at 27 years old that I think my imagination has cut off the part that gives me drive to move into the future. I, therefore, see this short life of mine as a waiting game until I am able to leave it. I sometimes wish I had a terminal disease, save my family the trouble of wondering why I don't like life. Congrats on the 4, though :) It's better than failing. And and the end of the day, your GPA doesn't mean shit (unless you want to go post-grad).
ReplyDeleteIt's kinda scary that we all feel pretty much the same way. I can't even see myself tomorrow, much less years in the future. I guess I just don't want to think of it, because all I can picture is it being the same as now and I don't want to keep heading towards the future when I can't see much changing except the date. The thought of still feeling this way years from now is scary and I really don't want to do it.
ReplyDeleteLiving in the present is much easier said than done, I've tried it so many times...yet I still go back to dwelling on the past or freaking out about the future. I don't have an OP, and I don't want to study, so that limits me so much and it freaks me out that I don't really know what I'm going to be doing in a few years time. I can't work at Gametraders forever, can I?
Blah.
I know exactly how you feel. You feel obligated to have a concreate plan for the future around you because everyone else has known what they wanted to be since they were seven years old. Everyone tells me that you discover what you want to do with your life after you finish university. Hence i dropped out of a 5 and a half year double degree, even though i feel like i should keep doing it, even though i didn't enjoy it.
ReplyDeletejudging by these comments... perhaps no one knows what they want to do. perhaps no one has a clear view of the future. We just think everyone does. Perhaps we're all wearing a facade, making it look like we know what's going on. inside we're the same, scared, confused people.
ReplyDelete