Self-absorbed lunacy

I am reverting. I can feel it. I can see it.

But I don't care.

Today was pretty awful, not that I particularly care to dwell. There is always tomorrow.

Until there isn't.

I was watching Medical Emergency today; there was a guy with chemical burns basically all over his body, and his mouth was affected as well, which of course means that respiratory problems are of major concern. There was a woman who'd been in a rather large train accident and had, I think it was maybe 11, bones in her face completely broken and needed surgery. There was a construction worker who had somehow shot a nail sideways clean through all 5 of his toes, was petrified of needles and needed like 6 lots of local before they could pull the nail out. There was a guy with something or other wrong with a disc in his back who was in hellish levels of pain and needed morphine on top of penthrox. It was the first time I've ever seen penthrox; I'm still kind of intrigued that you can now inhale analgesics. Anyway, my point was that, yeah today sucked for me, but my day was nothing on theirs.

And maybe I should just stop being so restraining of myself. In all of this mess, there is one thing that I know that I want, and there is no one but myself that would ever even think to encourage me in the slightest. But maybe I should just stop this twilight zone bullshit and go for it.

And do it properly.

Well, okay, maybe that wasn't entirely true. There are two things I know that I want more than anything. The other one being that, were it not for my knowing that to defer this degree any more would be to forfeit any notion of ever finishing it, I would be packing my bags and moving to France right now.

Even if my French is on par with a 3 year old, tops.

So, I have less than a week left before I go back to uni. I want to go back, and I am dreading it. I am dreading trying so effing hard that my brain just about explodes, again, and only getting a 4 to show for my efforts. I am dreading sitting in lectures and feeling so.damn.stupid., again. I am dreading that overwhelming feeling of sitting in a full lecture theatre and feeling so lost and so alone, even surrounded by so many people. I am dreading the placement and feeling the full extent of my self-doubt and petrification. I am dreading the frustrations, the fears, the emotions and the lack thereof. But I am looking forward to getting out of the house, and I am looking forward to completing the next stage of this ... thing, even if I get to the end and find I have spent three years+ on a pointless endeavour.

I need to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can persist until I win. That I can do as well as I keep saying I can.

I think it's time to stop making excuses, stop beating myself up over what I could have done, and just do. And do it until there are no realistic could have's left.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.