I still can't seem to shake the insomnia. I kind of prefer to think of it as my being perfectly attuned to some other part of the world. I have no idea which part, but ..somewhere.
I can't believe that I've almost finished my first semester of nursing. It seems strange, being at this stage, and looking through my notes and being able to pinpoint the exact stage at which I gave up last year. I would like to think I was forced to give up, but it really was my fault alone, and I refuse to 'blame it all on the mental illness'.
That's such a crock.
Though speaking of all that, I haven't heard from Corey in ages. I'm absurdly worried.
I heard through the grapevine that a girl I know from high school is taking up nursing with the idea of becoming a mental health nurse. Damn, that sounds so cool in theory. I just hope she turns out nothing like the nurses I knew. I hope she can make a difference.
It's impossible to describe the momentum of the flood of memories that engulfed me when I read those words.
The nurses.
The NGT.
The bolusing.
The piano.
The ECGs ... the occasion when another patient walked in & the nurse spacked off at him.
Cate; Lissa; Corey; Mason; Belinda.
Vicky, behind the laundry bins. Vicky, emerging from the bathrooms. Vicky, lurking in the shadows of the hall. Vicky with that absurd Tigger toy, covered in bandages. Vicky, and the chess pieces....Vicky.
It's a strangely hollowing thing to have to genuinely hope that such a close friend is still alive.
I still kick myself every day for not having gotten her mobile number or email address. I can't even remember her fucking last name.
On a slightly less sombre note, though, I have officially commenced study for the end-of-semester biology exam. It feels good to be getting my notes and thoughts organised into a logical pattern, in a good sized note book, with oodles of highlighters scattered over the surface of my desk.
Oh. Yeah. Mother & I went shopping today. She bought me a 24-pack of highlighters for $2.49 and a retractable one for .49c. Yah. Then I bought the groceries for $100.
Equality; I love it.
I've applied to do a Cert-III in aged care at Tafe this upcoming semester; I'm just waiting for them to call me back about it. I realise I must be insane to be voluntarily planning to undertake study at Tafe at the same time as university, but, really, there's only so much of this applying for jobs that I don't actually want in the first place and then being rejected by them bullshit dance that I can take. I'd rather do two courses simultaneously, stress myself out completely for a semester, with an end result of improved chances of being hired, and at a place I would actually want to work. There are a heap of advertisements all the time for AINs and EENs, so it'd be worth it. It's really just a matter of whether I can afford it.
I wish I had something intelligent to say, rather than just whining about every triviality that is bothering me this exact minute. But I don't, not really.
I only have this to say: I wish that people would stop promising to 'always be there'. No one can honour that promise.
It takes one miniscule, seemingly irrelevant, detail, and you've vanished.
Always there, huh?
Yah? So where are you now? Screw that, where were you a week ago, a month ago?
Where the fuck are you?
People are never there. People can suck my dick.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping to move into the prisons and work with the criminally insane. If I kept with Psychology it would have taken 10 or so years just to get on the right track of where I want to be. Nursing seems like a sneaky short cut. There is this place called "Forensicare" and the contract people out to work in prisons and mental asylums. It's like my homeland :). My grandmother was a nurse. And she's very cold, emotionless, so I'm half way there :P Nice to read some slightly happier posts, Fleur :)
Yeah, I've reached that conclusion as well.
ReplyDeleteThat would be pretty awesome; I've never actually considered that before. Are there even still asylums? I thought they were all knocked down or abandoned or something. I feel so ignorant. =/
I have to say though, the day I become hardened to the people I'm caring for will be the day I will leave the health field. That's one thing I realised in hospital; you can't effectively care for someone if you just don't give a shit.
Yeah, I think maybe I've grown =P