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Flashbacks will destroy me.

The reality of it all is still beyond me. That I went through that. That I'm still going through that. That it will never leave me. Ever.

It's a difficult concept to grasp, but more difficult to live.

I have been finding myself talking about it, so close to openly, and it's terrifying. I haven't talked to anyone about it since my last psychologist. The hardest thing is that I can still not openly admit to it. I dance around saying it, in every conversation, regardless of whether I'm talking about it as a general issue or as a personal experience.

How can I openly confess to it when I cannot admit it to myself?

Sometimes I think that perhaps I should open up, own it. It's not something I'm ashamed of, nor something I'm proud of. It isn't so much actually expressing it, as it is the stigma, the reaction, the permanence of the label, that I am afraid of. And I know that I shouldn't be, I shouldn't have to be afraid to say it out loud.

The other issue is the physical repercussions. The watching. The monitoring. The questions. The eyes. The immense sadness in my mother's eyes is an image I am still unable to forget, and I never want to be the cause of that look again.

Tonight... I tried. I had to. But then I went too far, and the same anxieties are engulfing me, tearing me apart on a microscopic level.

They told me to work past these, but how is that even possible? How can you possibly 'just say no' when every fibre of your being is screaming at you to do something? Or not do something.

Today, I remembered something. I remembered the passion I once had. I remembered my old dream of becoming the leading paediatrician and eradicating the measles and malaria completely; of reducing the amount of childhood deaths relating to diarrheal and respiratory infections; of introducing childhood immunisation to all countries in the world; of somehow feeding the world to reduce drug use, malnutrition and all of its inherent complications; of saving the fucking world.

God... I don't half dream big. But then, where would the world be if it weren't for those with big dreams and high ambitions?

I watched a movie tonight on SBS called Grbavica. I didn't actually realise until I looked it up that it was set in modern-day Bosnia, I kind of thought it was Serbia... because my geography is clearly lacking. The point being, it was ..amazing. I don't want to write a synopsis, but it is an incredible portrayal of humanity surviving things as devastating as the Balkan War (I think?). My brother even liked it, and he normally just sits there complaining about historical inaccuracies.

Hmm but anyway, I hear that the Red Cross has been calling people that I listed as referees when I applied a while ago to volunteer for them. I didn't actually realise that they were still interested in taking me on as a volunteer, but I guess if they like what my mother and a friend had to say about me, I'll find out what they have in store for me. I'm pretty keen to do some volunteer work, so it's actually pretty fantastic that they're doing a reference check for me now. There are a lot of organisations I'd love to volunteer for, especially the Starlight Foundation, but the Red Cross is still an amazing opportunity, so fingers crossed.

I think I will have to call the tafe tomorrow to see what's what in regards to the aged care/community health care certificate course. I'd really rather do that this coming semester, rather than first semester next year, though I probably should've done it either this time last year or earlier this year, since there is now the potential for the aged care placement to clash with my nursing exams or placement. I dislike clashes. Exponentially.

I think I'll shut up now. I'm fairly sure I ran out of interesting things to mull over in this blog about ten minutes ago..